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Depression is Real

Image Description decastrokyna   |   01 February 2018

Depression Is Real. This is for those who are depressed. You are not alone. I am with you.

By: Kyna De Castro

It takes a lot of bravery and courage to admit or even acknowledge that you are depressed. Sometimes, even if you seek help and get to be clinically tested by psychologist for validation, you have always known. You can feel it, you have always known if you are already depressed and have depression. I know what it feels like because I am going through it as well. It is battle I face every day and people have no idea about it. It is horrible; I can’t see the brighter side of things, only the darker side. It feels like you are in total darkness struggling to find the light. I cry myself self to sleep every night as I think about all of my failures in life, all the painful things people said to me and the things they say behind my back. It had broken my self-esteem to the point that I hated myself so much. I was self-loathing whenever those came to haunt me every night. And I as cry myself to sleep, I wake up in the morning like it’s nothing. I still go to work, function as normal people do. I eat but have little appetite for it; I still try to do the things I love but not that enthusiastic anymore because it has been my coping mechanism to make myself forget about unsettling thoughts that keeps on haunting me. It is already hard enough to a smile and pretending you’re okay when you feel hopeless and feels like giving up on life. Having pessimistic views on yourself and life becomes your habit. You’ll feel that life would be much better without you.

This is why making comments regarding depression like saying that “arte or drama lang yan”, “nagpapapansin lang yan” or “joke lang yun” is a very insensitive because depression is not a joke. It is real and should be taken seriously. Making such comments is actually one of reasons why people who are depressed commit suicide instead of reaching out for help. It is already hard for them to admit that they are sick yet some of people can’t accept the fact that depression is real, it is a mental illness that can only be cured by showing support for the person: that you care for them and make them feel that they matter. When they feel really hopeless and wanted to end their life, be kind and show them what life would be like without them. Remind them of their families, their friends, their dreams, their future and their purpose in life. Sometimes, it was these things that have kept people going. Isn’t? Do not lecture us; it only triggers us to do the thing that you don’t want us to do and give up. Be a shoulder to cry on and a hand to pull us up when we are drowning as our lives seem to fall apart. You’ll never know who might be battling this illness every day.

Depression is silent. But you can save a life if you show little care. Every day, everyone fights in a battlefield. Your battle is different from the others. Your problems may have been light of others but too heavy for you. And their battles may have been too heavy for them but light for you. We fight different battles. Mine had always been choosing to live when all I wanted was to end it. The struggles were real and slowly tearing me apart but it takes a spark of hope to realize that the story isn’t over yet. Don’t wait for the perfect first sentence because no story is perfect. You just have to start and continue the story. As you write a new chapter, make a first sentence worth writing and rather use a semicolon than a period for a short pause.

It was a tough battle but I am trying to win it every day and writing this one is living proof that I won today. I am still here and trying to get through it all. As I battle in darkness with my suicidal and hopelessness thoughts, I am also scared that there will come a day wherein hope fades along with the light and that I will be consumed by the darkness as those thoughts win over me.I fear death as much as I wanted it. It seems a bittersweet escape for a miserable life. But sometimes, all you needed was something to live for. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to ask for help. Before I end this, let me quote my favorite character from Once Upon A Time, Regina/Roni, “Just because life isn’t what you wanted it be right now, doesn’t mean that you have to tear it down.”You know what? She is right? Sure, we’ll have our worst days but that doesn’t mean than things can’t get any better. It can get better. We can get better. You can heal, we can heal. Never give up and stay alive. #KeepGoing.

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The book is a collection of some of my self made poems from the last couple of years of my life that tackles my personal experiences in love, personal struggles, depression, heartbreak and moving on.

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23 August 2018