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Lights On: In Reply to Lights Off
GabrielleLanzona | 06 December 2017
I’ve been looking for you for a while now. I asked our friends about you but they wouldn’t tell me anything and all I found was this sad website for desperate people who’d never get a chance to find closure with lost lovers. How appropriate.
And that’s when I found your entry. Well, I think it’s yours. It’s too exact to not be yours. I think. If that makes any sense. Whatever. I could never write like you did.
I can’t believe you’re on this website. I really did ruin your life, didn’t I?
I know there are many things to say but I feel that too much time has passed to say them all. In any case, I’ll try my best to give you the explaining you deserve. Explaining that doesn’t rely on horoscopes and astrology.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I’m sorry that I was barely even there in the first place. I knew I could never be that person for you. You deserved better. You will always deserve better than me. And I said I had to fix a few things and fix myself before coming back to you but…I never really got to fixing those things. I just finished them and they fell away and it didn’t make sense to come back to you anymore.
I tried to make it work with us but after some time it felt like a lie. I had to be this good and caring and present person around you but it felt like pretend and I didn’t want to give you that. I couldn’t do that to myself and I couldn’t do that to you either.
The fact is, I’m very bad at these things. I can’t sustain or handle relationships like most people can. And I wish I could have been there for you but I didn’t want to put you though more than I already did. I know it seems simple to just, be there, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be there for people.
But I want you to know that I am happier now. Even if I still sleep with all the lights on. I didn’t end up working with tomatoes but I am a professor…with an okay name.
My lunch break is almost over and I have to give a class in a few minutes. Now that I’m older, I understand how annoying college kids are. No wonder I messed it up with you.
More than anything, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for believing in me and seeing the good in me. Thank you for giving everything to help me become more than what I was.
Thank you. Now go get out of this website.