Naririnig ko ang bulungan ng mga staff sa paligid but they're not actually talking about us. Nilingon ko ang buong dalampasigan, naghahanda na sila para makasakay sa speed boat. Isinindi na ang ilaw mula sa mga bangka kaya medyo lumiwanag na. Doon ko lang napansing wala talagang kahit isa ang lumingon sa direksyon namin. They're all busy preparing to leave... or maybe, they're just pretending to be busy..
I gently stood up and fixed myself. Tumayo rin si Renzo at marahang hinaplos ang aking braso pero agad ko iyong iniwas. I smiled at him and walked away. Pag talikod ko'y nagsimula nang mamuo ang luha sa aking mga mata.
I smiled at the staff glancing at me as I walked towards the boat. I bit my lower lip and boarded the boat with the lifeguard's assistance. Pag upo ko'y hindi na ako muli pang lumingon sa likod ko.
Maya maya'y napalingon na ako nang may kumalabit sa akin. "Ma'am, ang bag niyo po." Nginitian ko si Faye at kinuha ang bag ko. "Salamat."
My heart is aching as I stared at the darkness far away. The happiness from earlier subsided as I embraced the emptiness.
"Ma'am, ayos ka lang?" Nilingon ko si Jessa. Siya na ang nasa tabi ko. Hindi ko na hinanap pa si Renzo sa ibang bangka. I smiled and nodded.
Pagkadaong ng bangka sa dalampasigan ay isa-isa na kaming bumaba. Sa gilid ng mata ko'y nakita kong nag-aabang na si Renzo pero diretso lamang ang lakad ko. He touched my arm but I ignored him and continued walking. Hindi na siya nangulit pa.
Maybe the staff and Direk Mikey felt my sudden change of mood so no one dared to talk to me but I heard them talking about dinner.
Nagbihis ako ng panibong damit. Pagkakuha ko ng aking jacket at susi ay mabilis akong nagtungo palabas ng resort.
"Oh, Ma'am. Saan kayo pupunta? Naihanda na ang dinner sa cottage.." Nginitian ko si Jake. "I'm not hungry. Anyway, saang ospital dinala si Julius?"
"Ah, sa Dr. Bernal Memorial Hospital, Ma'am. Gusto niyo bang ako na ang magmaneho? Madilim na ho ang daan." I shook my head as I tapped his shoulder and walked my way to the parking area.
Natigilan ako nang makita si Renzo na naroon. Nakabihis na rin siya ng isang simpleng chino shorts at leaf-patterned polo shirt. With both hands slid inside his pocket, he stared at me blankly... "Let me drive you." I can still feel his warm lips on mine but I immediately ignored that memory.
I gently shook my head. Staring at him like this.. makes me want to run.
"It's all in your head.." His baritone voice was laced with concern. He stepped forward so I took a step back cautiously. I can feel my whole body trembling but I held my head high.
"You can't hurt me again."
I immediately boarded my car and drove as fast I can.."It's all in your head.." I can still hear his voice.. the memories of his cheating days flashed in my mind. It's all coming back.. the pain and misery years ago.. felt so fresh.
Naitigil ko ang sasakyan nang tuluyang bumuhos ang aking mga luha. The emptiness was replaced with sadness and pain.. I tightly held the steering wheel and focused my gaze on the dark road ahead.
It is so dark but I can still clearly see.. how he passionately kissed someone else.. or what he and Emily have probably done in my own house while I was asleep.. the days they spent together while I was away.
I can still hear his voice when he said he wanted to break up with me.. I can still hear Emily's voice when she said that she's pregnant. I closed my eyes and gently shook my head. Suddenly.. being alone in this dark road.. felt so scary.
My hands are trembling and I can't move a muscle.. I couldn't breathe properly as tears trickled down my cheeks like a wild river. The coldness was suddenly unbearable. The happiness I felt earlier is nowhere to be found..
Someone showed up.. he's tapping my car window and uttering words but I couldn't hear anything.. the concern in his eyes.. seemed so familiar and felt so real.. He's trying to open the cardoor but all I can do was to stare at his blurred figure as tears filled my eyes. I gained all my strength to restart the engine and drove away.
I couldn't hear anything.. even the sound of my car or the wind from the air conditioner.. Everything was a blank.
Itiginil ko ang aking sasakyan sa parking area ng ospital. Iniwan ko na ang aking cellphone sa loob dahil gagamitin ko pa iyon pauwi. Matagal kong tinitigan ang ospital.. kinokolekta ko sa aking isip ang dahilan kung bakit ako narito.
I sat on the chair beside his bed. "Do you feel okay now?"
He nodded and held my hand. "Yes. How about you? Did something happened? Bakit ka umiyak?" His soft voice triggered my tears..
Umalerto ang kaniyang ayos habang nakatitig pa rin sa akin. "Anong nangyari?"
"We kissed.. it felt so good.. but his sins.. they're not leaving me alone.." My voice cracked and was followed by continuous sobbing. He pulled me onto his bed and hugged me tight..
"Wendy.. you can't be like this, alright? Naalala mo ba noong natakot ka sa Daddy mo? You have a history of panic attack, Wendy.. You have to control your emotions." He gently pulled away and cupped my face. "It's all in your head.."
Fear struck me as memory of Renzo saying the same thing flashed in my mind..
Julius wiped my tears with his thumb.. "Tapos na ang mga 'yon. Tapos na, Wendy. Ikaw na lang naiwan doon.. Tulungan mo ang sarili mo. What's done is done. You can't bring it back and you can't change it. You have to accept it, Wendy." He gripped my trembling hands like my life depended on it..
"Accept it, Wendy. He's not perfect.. He's not ideal.. Even if you wish it a million times.. he will never be as good as you expected."
I exhaled violently.. "All I wanted is to be happy.. but his sins are trying take it away. He.. he kissed me like how he kissed someone else.. he held me like how he held all his women.. I am not someone special.. I'm just.. a part of his collection.."
Julius is uttering some words but I couldn't hear anything. He held both of my arms and gently shook me but I just stared at him blankly.. I closed my eyes and embraced the pain..
"What did I do.. to deserve this?"
He cupped my cheek and I stared at his lips saying something I couldn't hear.. The emptiness and silence.. is pulling me somewhere..
Somewhere peaceful and serene.. with no pain and sadness.. I want to go to that place..
I stared at my panicking friend and smiled.. "It will be over soon..yeah?"
He shook his head and punched the intercom attached on the wall..
"Call a doctor!"