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What Not to Look for in Looking for The One

Image Description NoInk   |   10 October 2017

Before anything else.

The pressure to have a love life can be daunting at times. Ask any single friend you have (the longer they’ve been single, the better), and they’ll tell you how tired they are of fending off pesky questions that are always some permutation of “kelan ka na ba magkaka-boyfriend/girlfriend?”, followed by “ano ba hinahanap mo?” or “ang choosy mo kasi”. As if having standards and not settling for just anybody is a bad thing.

Speaking of standards, we all have our own. We have our wish list of traits, of quirky things we wish our significant other would possess. But before you go into the hunt, make sure you’re doing it at your own pace, with your standards intact, and with this reminder—don’t look for someone to make you happy.

While it’s of course important that whoever you’ll be with makes you feel happy, there’s a difference between that and finding someone to make you happy.

Let me explain.

While you might argue that it’s just syntax, it’s still important that we’re clear with what we want in our lives. After all, if you’re going to ask the great universe to conspire to give you what you want, you need to learn to ask for what you want clearly.

Looking for someone in the hope that it will complete you or that the person will finally be the key to make you happy is putting an enormous pressure on the other person and the relationship you have yet to form with them in the first place.

Happiness isn’t something that you seek in others. It’s something you need to find in yourself before you get into a relationship. You can’t hinge it onto something outside of yourself because everything and everyone is transient, but happiness, or the ability to be happy should be something that remains in you.

As Tony Stark so elegantly put it in Spiderman: Homecoming, “If you’re nothing without the suit, then you shouldn’t have it”.

The notion that you’re finding ‘a better half’ is dangerous if taken as it is. You’re not actually trying to fill yourself up to only 50% happiness because the other 50% is going to be filled up by someone else. Hindi mo pwede sabihin na “masaya naman ako, pwede na. I’ll be truly happy pag may bf/gf na ko”. No.

You need to think of it as you’re filling up a 200% tank, so you’re actually coming in with 100% of yourself, and the other is also coming in as 100%. (Now I’m no math expert, but that’s the clearest numerical visual I can give.)

Hindi pwede ang “you complete me” drama ni Jerry Maguire dito.

You need to be complete in yourself because it’s nobody else’s job to complete you. And if things ever fall apart, if you ever find yourself back to being single, you won’t be left with only a fraction of the person you used to be.

You may have a broken heart, but you won’t have to mend a broken soul. You’ll still have the strength and courage to believe you can find happiness elsewhere, and you will.

Take care of you, and the universe will do the rest.

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The book is a collection of some of my self made poems from the last couple of years of my life that tackles my personal experiences in love, personal struggles, depression, heartbreak and moving on.

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23 August 2018